Senior night at the sorority = me drunk and chain smoking.  God, my throat hurts.  I just finished eating a slice of pizza and chips....(WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?!?!?)...I hate drunk binging...so yeah, I just finished purging.  I was doing so good with restricting and not fucking up...then came tonight...dammit margaritas!  I got drunk so fast from not eating...fuck, fuck, fuck....fuck you pizza!  Dammit, I want to go purge again...even though I'm pretty sure I got everything up that will come up, which wasn't nearly enough.  My body didn't want to give anything up because I've been restricting...I can actually feel the pizza sticking to my thighs...all that greasy fat...dammit, I was just starting to look thinner.  I always do this...I get so far and then I screw up.

I feel like hell, but apparently I am perfectly fine.  I just went and got my vitals done again today, and my blood pressure was up to 118/68 or somewhere in there...all but normal.  What the hell??  How is it possible to feel this shitty and be this healthy?  Why is it that every time I stand up I see spots, or even complete blackness for several seconds.  I either have to stop and stand still until the blood rush clears from my head or just keep walking and hope I don't fall over.  I'm light headed all the time and I can't sleep if I'm restricting, but if I'm purging I'm fat, gluttonous, bloated, and my face looks disgusting 24/7.  How do people function when their blood pressure is in the 80/40 range...that's where I want mine to be...I know, sick right?  Maybe then though, people would believe I am actually ill...

Things didn't go good with my dad last week...I can't even go there right now.

There is a girl in my house who is taking Hydroxycut, drinking diet shakes, and working out multiple times a day.  She is beautiful, she is tan, she is toned, she is popular, she is a marathon runner and an athlete...she is THIN...she is the envy of almost every girl at this school...and yet, she thinks she's fat.  She wants to lose weight and she isn't concerned about over dosing on the Hydroxycut, because she "has experience with diet pills."  Two other girls who are equally thin, perfect, and beautiful are dieting like crazy, another girl is in recovery from bulimia, and yet another girl tried purging for several weeks in high school...countless other women in my sorority are seriously dissatisfied with their bodies, to the point where they have been brought to tears and wanted or have gone to extreme measures in an attempt to change or "better" themselves.  From the point of someone with a full blown eating disorder...I HATE THIS!!! 

I feel like our house has always been pretty healthy, seriously...we aren't your stereotypical sorority...but I see a lot of girls going down a dangerous path now.  The other day I walked into one of the stalls, and I swear I saw puke in one of the toliets (from where someone needed to flush twice but didn't realize it and only flushed once)...I don't know of anyone who is sick right now...so that scares the shit out of me.  I just know how my ED got started...it was all so innocent...just wanting to lose a few pounds and diet a little...then came restricting, and then purging and the diet pills, then the OD, then the near cardiac-arrest/ER visit, and then IP, and now living with ED for close to 7 years.  I would die before I would let anyone in this house fall victim to ED.  I mean, I trust the girls here will take care of themselves and be careful, but things can just get out of control so quickly...they have no idea.  I'm going to watch my sisters like crazy.  I love them and I trust them, but it is bad enough that they are so perfect and beautiful...and yet, they don't see it...they are hurting and hating themselves...and that in and of itself is bad enough....ED is not going to hurt any of them...I wont't fucking let him!!!

Okay, I need to stop.  I am drunk and strung out from dehydration and purging...I'm not in my right mind.  I wanted to email my T...now that I'm sobering up, I'm REALLY glad I decided against that.  I have an appointment with her tomorrow...I guess we'll talk about the shit with my dad and how I'm going to survive Thanksgiving. 

Again, sorry for my lack of updates and commenting on everyone's sites.  I just feel like people have really abandoned the Xanga community, and ED has me isolating again...so I suppose I'll be in and out.  T

Take care of yourselves.

"She wishes she was a dancer

And that she’d never heard of cancer

She wishes God would give her some answers

And make her feel beautiful

I remember feeling low

And I remember losing hope

And I remember all the feelings

And the day they stopped…"

This is pretty much an exact description of my life right now...

I'm sorry that I disappeared for a while.  I just had nothing new to report...same struggles, same eating disorder, same me...day in and day out.

I'm talking to my alcoholic father for the first time in three months on Thursday.  Wish me luck...

Edit:  Oops, in the process of editing this post I lost the whole entry...oh well, this is much more interesting than what is going on in my life today anyway...

JEFFREY SEBELIA WON "PROJECT RUNWAY"!!!  Oh my gosh, I am obsessed with this show, (and fashion!!!) and tonight was the finale...and Jeffrey won...despite the suspicions, despite going over budget, despite everything...and his response?  "I did it.  I fucking did it."  YES!!!

I must say, when it came down to him and Uli I was sure Uli was going to win, but then that seemed too obvious because they hadn't said anything bad about her during the commenting.  Originally, I wanted Michael to win, but when I saw his colleciton on the runway I was less than impressed...I mean, it was good but it just wasn't up to the quality of everything that he has shown in the individual episodes this season.  Tonight, I wanted Uli to win so bad because she was my favorite in the beginning and I feel like she has come a long way with variety, plus she has a sweet and easy going personality and her clothes are WEARABLE by the general public...but now, I'm actually glad it was Jeffrey.  Uli could start her own company or go to work for a company and design great clothes for the modern woman....Jeffrey on the other hand is SO inivative...he belongs in high fashion.  I mean, he has come from the ground up in life...from being a drug-addict suicide attempt at death's door to winner of "Project Runway", on his way to a great career in fashion, father, boyfriend...yeah, I'm really happy for him.  I love to see people turn their lives around like that...to see what they would have missed had they have ended it all.  I cried...yeah, I'm sappy like that.

And now, for some kick ass photos!

Jeffrey!!!

  Favorite #1 of mine in Jeffrey's final collection!

Favorite #2

Favorite #3

Laura's kick ass t-shirt design that is available from the online store...I plan on ordering it, because yes, I do in fact "runway!"

 My favorite dress in Laura's collection                                              

My favorite dress in Michael's collection

My favorite dress in Uli's collection...on my favorite model...Nazari! (sp)

My favorite piece in Uli's collection...dress/ultra sexy swim suit!

Well, I was b/p free for three days...and then I kind of overate tonight.  I had the other half of my dinner and the rest of my Ben & Jerry's...up until that point I had only eaten 2 slices of toast and a banana with peanut butter, but it was just too many calories and too many trigger foods. I tried so hard to run instead of purge.  I went downstairs to run on the treadmill, but it was broken, so then I went to run outside, but it was raining...so, I felt like I had no choice.  Then as I was standing there purging, I got mad at myself for not just running in the rain and for giving up so easily, so after I finished purging, I made myself go running.  I am really out of shape and I only ran for a few minutes.  My chest hurt from the cold and just from the exertion in general.  Stupid girl.

There is TONS of food in this room and in this house right now.  No lie, there are three pans of brownies, a bag of brownies, a bowl of cookies, 1/2 of a cake, a bag of Skittles, gummi bears, Cheese Nips, and Wheat Thins.  Fuck.  I swear that people in this house are trying to sabotage me.  I know that they're not.  Logically, I know that they are just trying to live their normal lives where that kind of food exists to be enjoyed in moderate amounts.  Still, there is nothing worse than a bulimic, much less a bulimic battling to recover, in the midst of endless junk food.

Help me.

See, what did I tell you?  I just finished b/ping brownies, cookies, and cake.  My throat hurts so bad right now that it's hard to move my neck...&$*!ing swollen glands...uggghhhh....the worst thing is, I want to do it again.

Tonight, I ate dinner with one of my best friends in my sorority.  We had a great talk and a fun night.

For dinner, I had one single serving of pasta, one single serving of vegetables, and one single serving of Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream.  I ate this dinner (on top of everything else that I've eaten today) and I enjoyed it.  I ate everything in moderation and I kept everything down, including the pasta and the B&J's...two of my biggest trigger/b/p foods ever.  I have not purged in two days.  I have not restricted in two days.  I have not had any major binges in two days, and even though I feel slightly guilty because of the portions and things I have been eating (I still feel like I'm not eating the right things and I'm eating too much) it is a guilt I can live with, because more than I feel guilty, I feel strong.  I am not going to ruin this happy moment and the positive progress and actions I have taken in these last two days by talking about anything negative.  I am not going to speculate about why I feel that strong ED behaviors have been absent.  I am just going to relish in this moment...this one, single, contented and satisfied moment of calm positivity...this moment.

It can be done girls...I am doing it...it isn't impossible.  Find these moments, have these moments, and hang on to them.  They will help you to keep going when things get hard later and you feel like you can't go on.  They may be far and few between, but find them and hold on to them because they do exist, and they make the fight to recover all worthwhile.